Sunday, June 27, 2010

He Loves Me Not

It's a constant, painful battle ...

He loves me ...
He loves me not.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

"When Lightning Strikes"

I feel like I don't know you, yet my love for you knows no bounds. I feel like there's a person inside of you that is a stranger to me, yet I would lay down my life for you.

I found a poem in your room while I was making your bed today. I read it and I fell in love with your words and you all over again. My cup overfloweth.

I brought it downstairs. I asked you if you had written it. You said yes but it was pathetic. I asked if it was a poem. You said it was a song. I asked you to read it to me. You said it was pathetic. I asked who told you that. You told me no one. I told you I loved it. You said I was just saying that. I asked if you had written it during a storm. You said no. I asked you to read it to me again. You said no. I asked it I could show it to daddy. You said no and it was pathetic. I told you that I loved it again. Again you said I was just saying that. I made you look at me and asked you if I had ever lied to you. You told me yes. I asked when. You couldn't tell me. I thought of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. I asked you again to read it to me - I so wanted to hear it in your own voice. You ripped it up right in front of me. My heart is breaking.

It's breaking because you don't trust me. It's breaking because you don't believe me when I say that I love your words. It's breaking because you don't believe in yourself. It's breaking because I can't give you the confidence you should have. It's breaking because I can feel the bricks and mortar you are placing around yourself. It's breaking because you've learned that from me and your father. It's breaking because I don't know how to fix that. It's breaking because I just lost a piece of you.

Today, all I can do as a mom is find those broken and torn pieces, press out the wrinkles, and pray over them as I put them back together with my hands, my tears, my love.

I love you, my little man. I will save your words forever. And I pray that one day the Lightning will make us both stronger.

When Lightning Strikes by CDS

"When lightning strikes, it makes me stronger.
When lightning strikes, it makes me stronger.
When lightning strikes ...
When lightning strikes, it makes me fearless.
It makes me fearless.
I watch it all the time. I watch it all the time.
And what makes it even cooler ... when it's raining and thundering.
When lightning strikes ...
When lightning strikes, it makes me stronger."

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I Dreamed a Dream

definitions from ...

dream (drm)
1. A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.
2. A daydream; a reverie.
3. A state of abstraction; a trance.
4. A wild fancy or hope.
5. A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration.
6. One that is exceptionally gratifying, excellent, or beautiful.

v. dreamed or dreamt (drmt), dream·ing, dreams
1. To experience a dream in sleep: dreamed of meeting an old friend.
2. To daydream.
3. To have a deep aspiration: dreaming of a world at peace.
4. To regard something as feasible or practical.
1. To experience a dream of while asleep.
2. To conceive of; imagine.
3. To pass (time) idly or in reverie.

Do you still dream? I'm talking definition # 5 ... dream ... long for, aspire ... do I still dream?

from Lés Miserables ...

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

I've been at a point in my life where I don't remember my dreams. I don't remember what I once longed for. I feel sad for her, that girl, that confidence not kept, that hope lost. I feel sad for the woman that no longer knows how to dream ... the woman who no longer has a dream.

"Don't laugh at some else's dreams, because people without dreams don't have much."
~ unkown

I do remember one of my girlhood dreams. I was going to be a marine biologist. Well, maybe what I really wanted to be was a dolphin trainer. I was going to go to college in Florida (I'm from Northern New York state) and I was going to spend all of my days in the ocean swimming with the dolphins. Swimming ... training ... entertaining and teaching children about these beloved creatures of mine. I never went to college ... not even in Florida. I've not spent many days in the ocean. I've never swam with a dolphin.

There is no excuse not to dream.
~ Dove Promises

I can list a thousand excuses not to dream. I have no money. No time. My children need me. Maybe when they're older. Maybe when I'm older. But these really are excuses. They mean nothing. They shouldn't prohibit me. They should not stop my dream ... my dreaming. Yet they do.

"Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you."
~ Marsha Norman

I wonder why I don't have dreams now. Yes, I have needs, wants, wishes even. But dreams? Do I really dream for anything? Do I have a longing that no one and nothing can stop me from pursuing or attaining it. My soul wants to write about me. My heart wants to know me. My mind wants to remember my dreams ... or create new ones.

"Dreams are like may never touch them,but if you follow them they will lead you to your Destiny."
~ Unknown

My dream ... my dream is to dream again.

Faith, Hope, & Love

"FAITH: to see one thing before my eyes, but to live with a certainty that there is something better beyond my seeing."

I have that quote written in the front of my Bible. Most of the time I feel like I have faith smaller than that proverbial mustard seed. But I also know that if don't keep at least that much, then I have nothing.

"Practice hope. As hopefulness becomes a habit, you can achieve a permanently happy spirit."
~ Norman Vincent Peale

Practice makes perfect? I hope that things will get better. I hope that my loved ones and I remain healthy. I hope that someday I can achieve that permanently happy spirit. So in the meantime, I will practice.

"Love wasn't put in your heart to stay. Love isn't love 'till you give it away."

We all want to feel love; to be loved. But can we truly achieve that if we don't love; if we don't give love; if we withhold love? There's a Swedish Proverb that goes like this: "Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." The truth that holds ...

"Every day offers a chance to choose anger or understanding, bitterness or acceptance, darkness or light. And the choices we make reveal the stuff we’re made of."
~ Robin McGraw

I want to understand. I want to accept. I want to see the light. So each day, as much as is humanly possible, I will choose to have faith, practice hope, and give love.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Never Pay Sale Price Again!

As much as I'd like to be, I am not a huge on-line shopper (only for lack of funding, not for lack of want!), but when I do, I almost always search for a discount code. Doesn't matter if it's a percentage off my total or free shipping ... anything to get a better deal! (It's genetic, I'm sure.)

So imagine my delight when I received my new Family Circle magazine today and read "Cheap Thrills Online" by Christina Tynan-Wood. A whole page dedicated to finding even better prices online!

You'll have to buy the April 17 edition of the magazine to get the full story about the author's savings at one particular website, but I'll plagarize and give you her favorite list of "pit stops" to make before you purchase.

Hope you enjoy a bargain as much as I do and i hope you find some at the links above. But remember, as my grandfather will tell you: "It's not on sale if you don't need it."

Monday, March 15, 2010

Oh, how I long for the sea ...

Recently found this quote by Karen Blixen:

"The cure for everything is saltwater:
sweat ...
tears ...
the sea."

Tonight I'm feeling like maybe I should have a hot flash, cry myself to sleep, and dream of the ocean.

God help me.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

I See You

My husband took my daughter and I to see Avatar recently. I'm not a sci-fi/alien/futuristic movie fan but have to admit that this was very well written and, of course, very creatively made.

There's line repeated a few times in the movie: "I see you." It's not just about seeing someone with your eyes. It's more about seeing and knowing someone with your heart, mind, and soul.

Do you "see" your family and friends?

More recently, I was watching an episode of "House". I've always loved medical dramas, and though I don't watch "House" often, I enjoy it now and then. There was a patient on this particular episode that was an intense blogger - posting nearly every detail of her life for the world to see and letting her followers help make her decisions for her, including a decision about an impending surgery. A couple of the doctors that were treating her were discussing whether or not you could really knowa person via the internet only. Or whether or not a face-to-face relationship was necessary to really know someone.

Do you family and friends "see" you?

So, can you really know a person that you only communicate with on-line? I think you can. Granted, it has to depend on the level of honesty of both parties. And on how much "time" you spend with eachother. Not unlike face-to-face relationships.

I have face-to-face relationships ... we all do unless we live on a deserted island ... which doesn't sound so bad somedays! And, I also have on-line relationships ... as so many of us do these days.

I've been on-line friends with a special group of ladies for almost 10 years. I stumbled upon my "Craft Friends" one day while searching the internet and many of us have stayed friends through the years. We've shared our joys and sorrows, our prides and failures; we've watched each other's children grow up in pictures. And even though I've not met one of these ladies in the physical sense, I am still proud to call them my friends.

And, truthfully, I've told them some things that I've never told other people. There's some twisted gene in me that makes speaking my heart and mind via e-mail or on chat so much easier than speaking the same with my real voice. Maybe it's the security of the space between us. Maybe it's the fact that I organize my thoughts better in writing rather than in speaking due to the ease of delete, cut, copy, paste, etc. Maybe just seeing my thoughts in black and white is much more therapeutic than having someone hear them. Maybe I just don't know how to have a real conversation!

Whatever the reason, yes, I do believe you can have true friends in people that you've never met.

Monday, February 8, 2010

My List

I'm a list kinda gal. Have all sorts of them ... grocery lists, other shopping lists, to-do lists (daily, weekly, long-term - all separate!), gift lists, book lists, packing lists, music I'll never learn to down-load lists ... the list goes on and on.

Lists help me through my day. They help to keep me somewhat on task. They give me a goal and a sense of direction. They show me what I've done during my day. And at the end of the day I feel like I've accomplished something.

I like to organize and plan. I like to see things in writing. I like even more to see things crossed off my list. (I cross them off - with marker or at least another color pen - checkmarks are not usually a sufficient form of completion.) Even the most mundane chores seem like a great feat when they are added to and then crossed off my list.

I do not, however, have a bucket list - a list of things that I would want to have accomplished before I die (or kick the bucket - hence the name). I guess the ordinary lists and day-to-day chores and errands and everyday life lists have grown like weeds over the things I used to dream of accomplishing. Now, don't get me wrong, weeds can be beautiful in their own space. But they certainly can choke out those flowers we've intended to grow.

I'm not sure what would even be on my bucket list anymore. I have a quote on my desk that reminds me: "There is no excuse not to dream." So maybe it's time I begin to dream again. This I may ponder and may yet begin another list.

Friday, January 29, 2010

A Blog?

Really? A blog? What on earth am I doing? I'm not a writer. I have no dramatic story to tell. Nothing earth-shattering to share. Yet here I am. Why? I'm still not sure.

But I'm learning more and more that my time is shorter than I think. Realizing that I need to venture out and try new things. Find my niché ... my purpose? Create a way to pass along what I do know. Maybe a place to question what I don't. A place to laugh and cry, a place to share and vent, a place to just be me.

This won't be poignant ... I never have the right words to say. It won't be political ... I rarely stand on my soap-box. It won't be educational ... though I do love to share tips and ideas I find. It won't be religious ... but you should know where I stand. It won't be controversial ... anyone that knows me also knows I'll avoid that at almost all costs.

What will it be ... that's to be determined, maybe ever-evolving. But I hope it will be authentically me.

So again, here I am. Doing something that I've pondered now and then but have never tried ... until now.